My Story: Depression and Hope.

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Medium Used: Charcoal

I want to share my story for I believe that somehow it can inspire people who goes through a lot in their lives to not lose hope.

It’s really hard for me to write about depression even though I have a lot of thoughts in mind because I’m really anxious about how people would take my words about that topic.
I went into a lot of bullying as child. Some kids tease me and call me names, some take my stuff  and puts them in the toilet bowl, some break my lunch box and throws my food on the floor and some even locked me inside the Comfort Room. I was only found when the janitor opened the Comfort Room a few hours after the class begun. My teacher assumed I was absent so she didn’t mind checking. (Now that you think about it, What the hell is wrong with you Ms. Arago) These experiences really traumatized me and because of these, I have issues with interacting with people and expressing my emotions. This all changed though, when I got into High School (Which is in 2013. I was a Grade 7 Freshman)
I finally had friends even though they were just 4 of them.
We were really happy. My Family too was doing good, we finally moved to a better place and that year was more than perfect,
But Life can really be cruel and turn things around in an instant,
Me and my two best friends have been together all the time. (Let’s call them Sandy and Patrick) until we were in Grade 8. The School Year of 2014 was a really good one. I may not have been classmates with my best friends but my classmates were really cool too and unlike my old class where I only had 4 friends, I was friends with everyone. My adviser was also kind and awesome. She lets me borrow her books, she’s really supportive and she’s really fun to be with. I also was one of the medalists of our class and one of the top 10 medalist of the whole Grade 8 level.
My Mom got sick and because of that she went under a lot of operations only to find out that the doctor was just scamming us for money and that hospital was not as good as we thought. I tried my best to cheer up my Mom by helping her and showing her my grades but she’s never impressed by my grades, not even once. Ever since I was little, even though I get the highest marks out of everybody. It’s never enough for her.
So I did my best at school, I worked and worked and worked.
Of course, over working will sure lead to stress. So I got stressed a lot.
Sandy, one of my best friends also started shedding her sheep skin to reveal a wolf underneath. She was being one of those basic bi**hes in high school and she gets jealous of every little thing I do with Patrick. So because of that we fought a lot. Like a lot. I was always the one who says sorry in the end because I was being humble and all and I don’t want to lose one of my friends. I’m that type that just wants an apology from people who do me wrong, but nowadays people no longer know how to apologize
In  any High School, of course there were a lot of the girls who think that they’re the center of the whole school even though they’re not.
And officially Sandy was one of them. Even though she was also getting hate from a lot of people because of that, I didn’t mind. I still hang with her because she’s my friend.

On the other hand, my grades were getting better. I showed it to my Mom before she went through her 3rd operation and she told me that I was really amazing and that I should keep up my good work . That was the first time in my life that my mom told me that.

A few months after that, it was already the hectic and terrible, Project and Periodical Exams Weeks. Of course, I wanted to strive harder so I worked my butt off for my Mom. One week before the exams, she was bleeding from the wounds that she got from her operations.
She was rushed to the hospital and she was there for 4 days. On the day before the periodical exams, my Mom had her 2nd bleeding and she died that day (Dec. 11, 2014). It was really devastating and everybody was just shocked from my Mom’s sudden death. That’s when I found out that she had Vulvar Cancer and it was already Stage 4. She didn’t tell me about it, she never told me about it. During my Mom’s funeral. Her friend told me stories about how my Mom would always talk about me and how she was proud of me. Our family was really a mess since my Mom died. All the problems came all at once. My Older Sister was going to College, we had a lot of of financial problems (We were broke and the bank won’t give us all our savings and money) and we had family conflicts.
My sisters, my dad and me will often end up fighting. My sister became a rebel and I ended up leaving our house but I came back after an hour because I felt terrible because I realized that I shouldn’t be doing that my dad because he too was depressed and it was a selfish things to do. So I went home, we still argued but I ended up asking him for forgiveness. We hugged and he cried with me and my older sister. We still had a lot of problems after that because of my sister. It was already 2015 and we were still grieving.
When school started I was placed in a terrible class with a lot of bullies and nobody in that class liked me. I lost Sandy because we continued arguing and she didn’t go to my Mom’s funeral because she had to go shopping with her friends. She didn’t say sorry that she couldn’t come and that broke everything between us. Patrick and me still remained friends. I was getting bad grades, I had no friends because I had no time anymore, We still have lots of family problems, we had financial problems, my sister was still drinking and being a rebel and I was stuck there being the head of our family and being responsible for everything. I got super depressed. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I started cutting, I cried every time but never in front of people, I started having anger issues and I attempted to commit suicide a lot but I always end up convincing myself not to every single time.
I lost myself, I lost my school honors, I lost my friends, I lost my family, I had no more faith in God or anything. I was stuck in that world of darkness. Alone.
I tried blaming God but even if I tried to blame him. I knew that it was wrong. I knew deep inside that it was just a challenge. That it wasn’t his fault. I believed in no God, I was doubting him until I gave up and broke down.  I was like that for months.

It felt so long that I’ve completely forgotten the optimistic person who believes that everything will be alright no matter how hard it gets, the person that used to be me.

I did a lot of thinking. It wasn’t helping.
I went to school covered in blood from the cuts on my legs, arms and wrists and nobody cared. I hid them well every time, some noticed but they couldn’t care less. One time, my best friend, Patrick told me that she doesn’t wanna be friends with me anymore because she doesn’t feel like my friend anymore. I held my tears in until I went home, there I cried for an hour. My dad even scolded me thinking that I was crying because of my boyfriend. I was crying because it was official that I had nobody left.
I couldn’t find anybody to help me. I wrote a lot of sad and angry letters to let my feelings out.

angryletters
Some of the Angry and Sad letters I wrote when I break down.

 

I was really sad but despite the sadness I felt, I still had hope that things will get better. No matter how much life proved me wrong, I always hoped. I let my feelings out in my drawings, paintings and stories. They helped me express myself. The grief, the pain, the anger.
Time passed, a lot of time.
I was still struggling in my lonely world with no support but eventually I realized that I have to stand on my own feet.
I can’t let myself drown in my own sadness because nobody will be able to save me but me. It took a lot of time and I gave up a lot of time too, but that’s not enough reason to stop hoping that you can do it
Take your time. Take all the time you need. Time is free. Time is the only things life gave us to aid all the wounds it caused.
Soon, I felt light, like all the burden was starting to lighten on my shoulders.
I stopped cutting and became friends with my old friends again. (Except Sandy). Opportunities came and things got a bit better compared to all the chaos that happened. Maybe Matthew Henry was right. After a storm  comes a calm indeed.

Problems were still there but I tried not punishing myself for them.
I tried expressing what I felt through art instead.
I carried myself on my own shoulders, so I could move forward and I did.
I never stopped hoping even though I was at the bottom.
I used that hope to help myself and before I knew it things were starting to get better.

I shared my life story in hope that somebody who feels that it’s the end for them, that they’re in the world of darkness alone. Like the way I used to feel will read this and at least find the hope within them that they lost.

It’s not the end, If you can’t find anybody that’ll help. Help yourself and always give yourself time to heal.

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. Helen Bushe says:

    How very brave of you to write this. I’m sure it will help people. I wish you all the very best for 2016.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. SimplyMeDri says:

    I am sorry to hear about your struggles but I do appreciate you for sharing your story. It is truly one that touches me, the reader. I hope that you never lose hope no matter what comes your way. I truly believe that you are equipped to make it through any difficult circumstance that you face. Thank you for being so transparent.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautiful! Lovely! So personal yet close to home. I battled depression too so I feel you. Keep up the hope and know that by sharing, you are helping.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. jademwong says:

    It’s a worthy cause, to blog about something so personal and yet not talked about enough in society, in the hopes of reaching out to someone who might be going through similar things.

    Please keep this going, and don’t forget to take your own advice 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Frank says:

    It’s perfect time to make a few plans for the long run and it’s time
    to be happy. I have read this put up and if I could I desire
    to suggest you some attention-grabbing things or suggestions.
    Maybe you can write subsequent articles referring to this article.
    I wish to read even more issues approximately
    it!

    Liked by 1 person

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